Commentary: Donald Trump risks many years in prison if he were to lose the election and his immunity. Now, his lawyers have changed strategy and will argue that Trump has been insane for four years and thus cannot be punished.
This is how one of his 978 lawyers explains why they now change strategies:
“Anyone in their sound mind would understand that Donald Trump does not have full mental capacity.”
The lawyer speaks under a promise of anonymity.
“But please mention that I was once a very popular mayor in New York”, he adds and continues:
“Trump does not even need a lawyer to prove that he has been insane. Fortunately, he does not know that, so I can keep invoicing American tax payers.”
Believed he was on TV show
Others familiar with the case from the inside refer to Donald Trump’s having been caught lying 22,247 times since he was elected president, and that this in and of itself is proof enough.
“We will adamantly argue that Trump, ever since he was elected, has believed he was part of a reality TV show. No one, not even his immediate family, have dared telling him that it is not the TV ratings but rather the American people that makes him appear on TV so often.”
Trump, his lawyers say, has been convinced that the worst lies would be cut out prior to the show being aired. That is the responsibility of TV producers, not Trump. That is how it was during “The Apprentice” and that is how it should be even when the show is recorded in the White House.
“How was he to understand that this was something other than a continuation of “The Apprentice”, where his job was to kick out and step on as many as possible of his closest co-workers? He has only done what he was asked to do, and he has done so diligently.”
Lost his mind
The lawyers, who believe their chances of keeping Trump out from prison are very good, also refer to the president’s attempt at buying Greenland.
Believed the lies would be cut out by the TV company.
“Here, we clearly see the real estate investor operating. Fortunately, we managed to stop him when he wanted to sell Alaska off to Russia.”
“We will simply argue that Donald Trump has lost his mind and thus cannot be punished”, says the lawyer who wants to be anonymous yet insists that he has been a popular mayor in New York.
“That case is already being investigated. But in order to prove it they must find out where he lost his mind.”
FBI sources confirm that they are investigating the case.
“But it is a difficult case. We are talking about something so microscopic that it can barely be seen with the naked eye.”
Traces lead to North Korea
According to the same sources, traces lead to North Korea, one of Donald Trump’s political idols.
“The problem is that if anything has entered North Korea, it will never leave again. Even something as insignificant as Donald Trump’s mind would be discovered if we tried smuggling it back to the USA”, claims a source familiar with the case from the inside.
Another source with knowledge of the case confirms that all clues lead to North Korea.
“The brain continues sending messages to Trump, such as the recent one about the American election being fraud and should be called null and void. This would not be a problem in North Korea, as we all know.”
Even though the lawyer, who was once mayor of New York, argues that he has a simple case, he will nevertheless summon a few witnesses.
The police are searching for the lost mind.
“Witnesses are not really required. I assume the judges have watched the TV show, which has run on Fox News for four years, and understand where it is coming from.”
One of the witnesses under consideration for testifying is, as High North News has learned, Trump’s son Eric. In a tweet while votes were still being counted in the USA, Eric Trump characterized the USA as a banana republic.
“It is possible that Eric right there and then forgot that his father is the president of the banana republic. The fact that Trump is growing bananas when everyone believes he is really playing golf will nevertheless strengthen our case.”
“We will also argue that Donald Trump cannot read”, says the lawyer and flashes a picture of Trump with a Bible in his hand outside St. John’s church.
“You can see it too, right? That he is holding the Bible upside down and the front to the back?”
The challenge for the horde of lawyers now working intensely to have Trump declared insane is that Twitter and other social media channels have made a habit out of deleting Trump’s messages.
“A lot of valuable evidence is lost here”, he says. “Though fortunately we have access to the Fox News archives”, says the lawyer before running in behind the wall Trump has built around the White House.
“It is time to feed Trump’s pink toy elephant that keeps him company!”
The anonymous lawyer, who was once mayor of New York, turns as he pushes past the barbed wire surrounding the White House.
“You are from Norway, you said? You have a pretty liberal immigration policy when it comes to political refugees, don’t you? If our plan A were not to succeed, I mean. Oh, and tell your president Carl Gustav I said hi, and let him know he still owes me some hush money.”
Note: Please note that this commentary is written in the form of satire.